My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
