Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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