so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
