I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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