Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
