Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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