some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
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