he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
