So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just threw up on my dentist
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
