How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
