so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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