i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
