at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
