Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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