My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
