I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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