o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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