Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
