I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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