chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
