I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
