Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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