I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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