my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
