did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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