Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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