You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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