I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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