You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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