have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
