Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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