hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
