I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
