i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
