i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
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The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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