He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
