Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
