So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
