i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
