Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
