In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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