yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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