I showed him my bush... on skype.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
