he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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