someone threw a dead crab at me
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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