I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize