I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
