anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Let's paint friendship bongs
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
