im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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