I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
