Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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