I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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