woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
