So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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