I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
