Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
