So drunk, too bad you don't want this
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
