im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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