fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
