Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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